I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
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The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
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I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
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