I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
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