Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Randomize
