Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
