Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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