i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
