Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
