Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Randomize
