i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Randomize
