I hope my margaritas pass through security.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
