dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
