those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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