sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
We have so much sex to catch up on
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Randomize
