for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
