i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
