I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
