I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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