i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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