I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
