The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
