Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
