peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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