I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
