My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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