I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
