How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
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