I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
