Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
