this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Never underestimate the power of titties
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
