I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
