I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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