there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
