took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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