I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
