I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
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battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
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She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Couch. On fire.
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