last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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