dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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