she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
