I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
