My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Life is so much better after having sex.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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