After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
