Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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