I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
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