apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
