i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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