Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
