do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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