Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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