Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
