my phone needs a breathalizer
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
