How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I need to calm my uterus...
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
