mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Sober January is a disaster.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
