the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
